Sargon of ACAB

This was always something I struggled with.

It’s something I still struggle with. I’m getting better at accepting I’m tired almost all the time, but everything else I, much harder to accept.

I know fairness is irrelevant for this, but it just doesn’t feel right that I have carefully plan my most meaningful activies because I’ll be emotionless for two weeks if I do two protests in one week. Or that a date night could be ruined by an unexpected depressive period.

I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy?

Happiness isn’t about having things, I think. Of course being in a situation in which you have your needs met helps. Financial security, a partner, housing, food, friends, etc. make it way easier.

But most of the moments in which I was “happiest” weren’t about “having” or the fulfilment of a specific desire. They were much more about experiencing community and feeling like I had agency.

As someone who has treatment-resistant depression: keep inviting your friend. Keep asking them for help when it makes sense to do so. Even if they cancel a lot or are quiet when they do show up. That’s helping a lot.

People need community.

It does.

I’ve experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.

I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn’t have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.

I was never suicidal but I’ve frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.

There’s never going to be a point in my life when I’m not depressed. I’m gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.

But I have reached a point in which I’m content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they’re great. I’m a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They’re respectful of my limitations. I’ve been reading more and trying new hobbies. There’s people who love me and I love them.

I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.

Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.

The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there’s something you’d like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.

Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword… For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire… However it looks to you: try to do it.

Installing something like Linux Mint or Ubuntu is fairly easy. The hardest part is probably creating the install media and that’s not particularly hard ei her.

If you don’t rely on specific software (like Adobe), using Linux is a good idea. I’d still advice not to mess with a computer you rely on and wait until you have sufficient time to troubleshoot something. Even if nothing goes wrong a new OS can still take a little getting used to.

I hate nationalism very much and would love to have a more global hub to learn about the important political subjects that dont crop up that much in French (my local one) or US media. Sadly, I never see such a thing. National communities are a bad solution but to a very real problem, which is that global themed communities end up being US ones.

This strikes me as they key point. While I seriously doubt any community based on where I live (Belgium) would be very active, it would be really cool to have conversations about things happening near (or near-ish) me or about region-specific subjects.

The example you give about immigration is a really good one, since the challenges with the EU’s border regime are meaningfully different to what the US is facing.

No idea what the best way to approach this.

Country-specific communities chafe ideologically and might just not be active enough to be worthwhile. Language-centric ones make some sense, but run the risk of seeing the same problem as English ones (namely, being mostly centered on discussion about the largest or most culturally dominant nation state using that language). It’d also (potentially) divide countries that aren’t linguistically monolithic.