And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
Glad to see you continue to believe that any unmarried person must have no hobby lmao. I mean really how dumb does one have to be, you don’t have object permanence yet? Anything you can’t see is an unloaded asset waiting until you walk into the room?
Good news I guess since I’ve been assigned a hobby now, I just need to meet a woman who likes making fun of dumb people online while shitting.
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t ask lol. (That sounds bad, ykwim dammit!)
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
Damn, I feel you dude. I could have written this whole comment.
Or you could get angry and defensive and start catastrophizing, I guess. Is that fulfilling?
Get a hobby.
Already have a few. It’s how I met my wife.
Ah yes you can tell you have a hobby by the way that you wife. I, with no wife, clearly have no hobbies.
I’m gonna be real, I’m going to continue making fun of these ridiculous assumptions whether you like it or not, get used to it or block me I guess.
Glad to see you found a hobby, I suppose.
Glad to see you continue to believe that any unmarried person must have no hobby lmao. I mean really how dumb does one have to be, you don’t have object permanence yet? Anything you can’t see is an unloaded asset waiting until you walk into the room?
Good news I guess since I’ve been assigned a hobby now, I just need to meet a woman who likes making fun of dumb people online while shitting.
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t ask lol. (That sounds bad, ykwim dammit!)
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
Fair enough lol, I’ll take a few more shots here and there!
same…
In that case it might be more constructive to say “There is no place that’s good for just meeting people. You need to appear to want something else.”